BOTHERED BY BIKER BANTER……….?
21 October 2004 - MCI Exhibitions Ltd

Worried about visiting the International Motorcycle & Scooter Show (5-14 November) because the language will just fly over your head?

Be nervous no more, as the Motorcycle Industry has today published an insider’s A to Z guide that will turn you into an instant authority, a master of motorcyclisms, a tamer of two-wheel terminology!

Ape hangers: if you thought handlebars were handlebars were handlebars, take a look at the custom bike section of the show, where the art of the motorcycle is expounded to its fullest. It’s here that every design convention is challenged and rethought in the interests of style and visual impact, and if that means your cool-looking ape hanger bars are so ludicrously high you look like a forest-dwelling primate as you ride and inflict yourself with agonising muscle pain in the process, so be it – art is to be suffered for, after all.

Ballast: pillion passenger, so called because of the deleterious effect on handling and lap times. The dedicated rider’s companion is chosen neither for conversation skills nor sexual athleticism but light weight, and even then only if riding alone is unavoidable. Thick thighs and a scrawny chest are ideal as these lower the centre of gravity, which improves a bike’s agility. Heavy passengers do make ‘wheelies’ (see ‘W’ below) easier, but they have to be stupid as well as large. Score show credibility points by rating pillion seats only for their suitability as places to strap a light wet weather suit.

Chatter and torque: do not make the mistake of thinking either has anything to do with conversation. Chatter is an extreme cornering phenomenon experienced only by top racers and your mates pointing at Rossi’s MotoGP bike on the Yamaha stand who want you to believe they’re equally quick. They’re not. Torque is a measure of how strong an engine is at low revs, and if anyone asks you what it is, sit them on the fabulous 2.3 litre Rocket 3 cruiser on the Triumph stand and simply say, “This!” It has more torque than any two other bikes you can see from there, added together.

Ducati: it is perfectly acceptable to kneel on the Ducati stand, eyes closed while weeping quietly with joy. This is not so much motorcycle manufacturer, more religious order, confirmed by a survey of leading marketing companies in 2003 which voted Ducati the coolest brand of any type in the UK, ahead of such hip labels as Victoria’s Secret, Armani and Apple. Ducati’s road bikes are stunning and red or weird and red, they make the fastest MotoGP bike and are yet again World Superbike Champions (see James Toseland). Mutter ‘desmodromic valve systems’ as you peer at the engines for automatic acceptance by the cognoscenti.

Envelope, pushing the: riders overheard at the show talking about pushing the envelope are not in fact stationery sales reps from Slough taking a day off to come to the NEC. Well they might be, but they’re referring to their bike’s ‘performance envelope’, a phrase borrowed from aviation which defines the boundaries of its handling and speed capabilities. It takes a rider of truly exceptional skill to be able to be able to explore the edges of a bike’s performance envelope, hence talking about it implies extraordinary ability. ‘Stretching the envelope’ is even more skilful as it suggests taking a bike beyond its design capabilities, but ‘have you got an envelope?’ means someone has entered one of the various competitions at the show and wishes to post it.

Four-into-one: whatever your maths teacher told you, four into one does go, and that’s the point. A four-into-one is an aftermarket exhaust system for a Japanese sports bike designed ostensibly to make it faster (use the term ‘reduced back pressure’ where possible) but which is really bought to make it sound better. Riders walking around the show apparently in the grip of giant chromed aliens are not out to lure Sigourney Weaver but are carrying a four-into-one purchased at the show. Note the noisy ones are illegal (the four-into-ones, not the riders), so enquire knowledgeably about a BSI kitemark, the official approval marking which will stop you getting picked up by the fuzz. Which as we all know, hurts...

Gear: potentially confusing as this can mean two completely different things, either a bike’s transmission or a rider’s clothing. Hence the very old joke, ‘What gear were you in at the time of the accident sir?’ ‘Blue helmet, leathers and gloves officer.’ Opportunities to try out the transmission sort of gear do exist at the show, for example at KTM’s outdoor supermoto experience where visitors can ride the bikes, while many more will be hoping to come away with helmets and riding gear, as the halls are packed with bargains – as with the bikes themselves, the NEC presents the perfect opportunity to try on all sorts of gear for size and fit.

Hero blobs: bolts in the ends of the footrests designed to be the first part of a bike to scrape the road as a warning at extreme cornering angles, as in: “I unbolted the hero blobs and got enough lean to run off the edge of the rubber”. This is pub talk supposed to mean the rider managed to lean the bike even further than the tyres were designed for, at which point it was sliding violently but thanks to his implied massive skill, he saved it. Probably rating: 2/10. Gain cred by sucking through your teeth and pointing out the unusually long hero blobs on the Honda Fireblade. As if they’d really hinder your riding...

Island, The: Isle of Man, motorcycling’s holy Mecca where racing on the roads has been taking place (legally...) since 1907. A visit to the Isle of Man is motorcycling’s rite of passage, only it’s much less uncomfortable than being suspended by hooks through the skin of your chest, as would-be Sioux Indian Richard Harris was in ‘A Man Called Horse’. By law Manx cats aren’t allowed tails but the kippers are delicious so they’re okay about it, and it is illegal for Manx breweries to produce anything but real ale (and that bit’s true!). The spectacle of full-on race bikes doing 190mph down country lanes and through villages is something you couldn’t believe possible in our PC, nannying, speed restricted times, and the welcoming locals adore the annual motorcycle invasion. Visit the NEC show’s touring section to find out more.

James Toseland: he is the new World Superbike champion, he’s the number one rider for the supercool Ducati factory, he’s as fit as any top athlete, he has boy band good looks, he plays keyboard and sings (both very well) in a rock band called Crash, he’s only 24 and he’s absolutely loaded. By rights you ought to hate him but he’s also charismatic and underneath it all, a good bloke, so you might be a bit sick but you’ll love him anyway. Oh yes, and he’s British! Know what he looks like as you might bump into him at the show, and if you do, exclaim: “Wow, it got tough mid-season eh, but you really clawed it back after that test session at Mugello in August!”

Knee slider: improbably, a hard plastic puck with Velcro on the back which attaches to your leathers just below the knee, so you can scrape your leg on the road as you corner. Racers do this to gauge the bike’s angle of lean and even to help recover a slide. Road riders do this to imitate the racers, but also because it does actually look and feel very cool indeed, and bikes are meant to be fun aren’t they? For that instant hard rider look, swop your virgin new knee sliders for ragged, worn out ones at any race meeting. All racers will be happy to do so as knee sliders are expensive, while scabby, molten sliders will single you out as a rider not to be messed with, so wear them throughout the show to part the crowds in your way like the Red Sea before Moses. Probably.

Lid: If you think compulsory helmet use is an infringement of your freedom and enemy of your hairdo, try riding at anything more than 50mph on private ground without one. After two minutes of your eyes gushing more water than the Niagara Falls, filtering wasps through your teeth and having your cheeks flap about so hard they’re bruising your forehead, you come to realise that the primary function of a lid (street speak for crash helmet) is to stop you looking like the Elephant Man at the end of a motorway run. All lids on sale anyway at the show pass strict British and European standards, allowing riders to choose entirely on the strength of the most tasteless, clashing racer replica paint jobs available. But the best helmet on sale is the one which fits you perfectly, regardless of price, so the Motorcycle Show is the perfect venue to try out the lot. Head to head...

Mike Hailwood: If you get involved in a debate about who was the greatest ever motorcycle racer (most commonly heard around one of the several bars in the show halls as the beer polarises opinions during the day), and things become worryingly heated, simply stop all further argument by saying ‘Mike Hailwood’. No one ever disagrees, as the late and truly great Hailwood did everything on every type of bike better than anyone else, and it is considered a heresy to claim otherwise. Apologise for the cliché then state that his and the history of motorcycle racing’s single best race ever was the ’78 TT F1 on the Isle of Man. Hailwood returned after an 11 year absence at 38 years old on a private, outdated Ducati (what else?) and against all the odds, won yet again. Forgotten cred-boosting fact: Mike Hailwood won the George Medal (the highest civilian award for bravery) for pulling fellow Formula One car driver Clay Regazzoni unconscious from a burning car, even though Hailwood himself was on fire and covered in fuel.

Naked bikes: if this sounds like some sort of automotive porn section it’s not. Naked bikes are simply bikes that don’t have any bodywork. Elderly visitors might be puzzled by this, as old bikes never had any anyway and were simply called motorcycles. But over the years so many bikes sprouted increasingly comprehensive bodywork that suddenly the idea of creating a bike without any became a novelty once again, deserving of its own special name. So, sorry to disappoint, but getting naked therefore merely means buying a bike without any bodywork. Don’t be too upset, the naked bike sector is one of the fastest growing and most diverse, with all sorts of fabulous machines from just about every manufacturer.

Off road: if a bike rider offers to take you for a dirty weekend, best to bring some heavy boots and a crash helmet. Not because bike riders are especially adventurous in bed (although if anyone ever did a survey we’re sure it would show they are) but because this means riding off road, in the dirt instead of on Tarmac. Off-road riding and sport are the fastest growing of all motorcycle sectors as more and more riders discover how much fun it is, and how relatively inexpensive. Many bikes double up as road and off-road machines, and the best selling is the big R1200GS on the BMW stand. Watch the master in action as seven times world trials champion Dougie Lampkin displays his awesome skills competing against other champions throughout the show period in the Live Action Arena.

Petal discs: if you thought brake discs were round and that’s that, no room for manoeuvre, take a look at the twin front discs fitted to the new 2005 ZX-6R (making its debut UK appearance at the NEC) and its bigger brother the ZX-10R on Kawasaki’s stand. Yup, they have wavy edges, and if the allusion of flat, hard pieces of steel to flowers looks shaky, it’s stuck anyway – these are petal discs, the latest must-have trick technology. Why? Armchair tech-heads will tell you the extra surface area improves heat loss so they run cooler, so out-smartass them with the retort that actually the increase is minimal and it’s the shape itself which resists distortion better. Is a road bike’s braking performance improved by them? Of course not, but however much heat they really shed, don’t they look the biz!

Queue: you don’t have to. Order your tickets in advance (LINK TO ADVANCE BOOKING) and also save £1 on adult prices. With the show running over ten days, including two full weekends, overcrowding isn’t a problem despite an expected near-200,000 visitors, which means queues to sit on the latest bikes at the most popular show stands aren’t a problem either. And avoid queues on the roads by riding to the show instead of coming by car – parking is free with a high security entry/exit system to help ensure your bike is still there at the end of the day.

Radial calipers: While you’re peering at bikes’ front ends in your hunt for petal discs ( see ‘P’ above), look at the way the brake calipers themselves are attached to the forks. Most are bolted to an arm at the bottom of the fork, but on the latest, trickest sports bikes there are two arms, one fixed to each end of the caliper. These – radially mounted calipers – are rather commonplace now, so your mission is to find a sports bike which doesn’t have them. Clue: take a look at the Triumph stand to check out the British factory’s new 650 Daytona... okay, that wasn’t a clue, that was the answer. And if you catch anyone sneering, point out that Triumph’s brakes have always been among the best anyway.

Suspension: a mystery even to most experienced bike riders, so learn the following phrase: “I’ve upped the rear three clicks on compression, backed off the rebound a touch and wound on five mil of preload, and now she hits the apex every time.” Everyone will nod wisely and you’ve joined the suspension club – just don’t mention you only ride a bicycle. Much more useful to know is how much a bike’s suspension compresses when you sit on it, certainly for shorter riders, as this is a factor in how easily you can reach the ground. Which makes the bike show with so many machines available to sit on perfect for comparing them one after the other to see how they really fit you, rather than guessing by the figures in the sales brochures.

Twin spar frame: once upon a time motorcycles were no more than bicycle frames with engines fitted, but as power increased all sorts of alternatives were tried. After many weird and wonderful solutions, nearly all high performance bikes have settled down into using what’s called a twin spar frame, where two broad beams, usually aluminium, sweep down from the front of the bike to behind the engine. They’re always clearly visible, except on Ducatis which don’t have them – these use another ‘T’, the trellis frame, a lattice of steel tubes that clearly works just as well, and is just as visible... Ooh, all this in-yer-face technology - bikes are so much sexier than cars!

Upside down forks: not a manufacturing error or bodged accident repair, many bikes really do have their front forks on upside down. These are the ones which are wider at the top, narrower at the bottom, a design which makes them stronger and lighter than conventional ‘right way up’ forks. As with other fashion-tech such as radial brakes, check out the hottest new sports bikes to be sure of seeing examples. USD forks (as savvy show-goers call them) are fertile hunting ground for suspension experts as they bristle with adjustment screws – for some extra fun, ask the manufacturer’s rep on the stand if the screw at the top is for adjusting the compression damping or the rebound, and watch him struggle (answer: compression. Or is it rebound?).

V-twin: (assume a breathless David Attenborough-like whisper) the loud booming noises emanating from the area of the Ducati stand are in fact not the mating call of the African bullfrog, but otherwise normal riders imitating the characteristic sound of a high performance V-twin engine. These puzzling creatures are perfectly safe to approach and indeed respond well to offerings of sustenance, especially in pint glasses. Although the inhabitants of Japanese bike stands are similar in appearance, their mating call – known as the ‘transverse four’ – is a quite distinct howling wail rising to a scream. The two groups do not generally interbreed.

Wheelie: the act of hoisting a motorcycle’s front wheel into the air and riding on the back wheel. Condemned by some as dangerous, anti-social, unnecessary and just showing off, which is how to spot people who can’t do it. Those who can love it as enormous fun and a new way to enhance their skills. Wheelie enthusiasts are split into those who ‘clutch it up’, which means letting go the clutch lever while the engine’s revving to launch the front wheel skywards, and throttlers, who first brake to squash the front suspension, then snap open the throttle as it springs up again to lift the front wheel off the ground. Videos around the show display wheelies to all degrees from the awesomely skilled and controlled to the stupidly dangerous and irresponsible. Australian show visitors talking about a ‘horn mono’ mean the same thing: ‘mono’ as in mono-wheeling, ‘horn’ as in getting jolly excited about it.

X: bringing children with you to the NEC? Why not, it’s very much a family show with plenty for the kids to do, and there’s even a crèche to keep the younger ones occupied while their parents get some much needed breathing space – a good time with them out of the way to crouch down on one of the bikes and make high revving engine noises, so your own children don’t see you’re just as much of a kid as they are. And the ‘X’? Keep the young ’un’s interest going by getting them to find how many manufacturers produce at least one bike with an ‘X’ in its name, and they have to collect a brochure of each to prove it. We reckon there’s at least six and probably more.

Yamaha: luckily there’s a major manufacturer beginning with ‘Y’ or we’d be struggling here as like last year, there’s no yodelling demonstration at the 2004 bike show, although there are plenty of other displays to watch. Luckily too Yamaha is worth singling out as having one of the most innovative mainstream new bikes at the show, the MT-01, making its UK debut here. This is the unlikely combination of laid-back cruiser engine – albeit severely worked on to reduce weight and make it feel fast and revvy – slotted into a full-on sports bike chassis. No one outside the factory’s ridden it yet, but it promises to be huge fun and highly capable, and doesn’t it look stunning! But don’t forget to pay homage at the Buell stand (near to Harley-Davidson’s), the small but genuinely original-thinking American offshoot of Harley which has been plying the very same formula for years.

Zongshen: okay, Z was always going to be a tough one, so ponder this as you tread your weary way back to the bike or car park at the end of a tiring but immensely satisfying day – in 2004 few show visitors have even heard of Zongshen, yet it’s one of China’s major motorcycle manufacturers, and that’s a country which this year will manufacture around 14 million motorcycles, double the total Japanese output. And the Chinese are now making the first moves towards targeting western markets, in much the same way the Japanese did in the 1960s... and look what happened to them! So who’s to say, in 10 years time at the NEC that it won’t be the latest Zongshen superbike you’ll be heading towards Birmingham to catch a first glimpse of? Which will be a relief when we’re compiling this A to Z again.

Doors open to the general public on the 6th through to the 14th November with a special preview day on the 5th November. Tickets on sale now – for further information call Karl Johnson at Capitalize on 0207 940 1709

www.motorcycleshow.co.uk

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